Sunday, November 04, 2007

My big fat gay wedding!

I had to take back my last blog entry title because clearly our wedding was one of the best days of my life! Suffice to say, it far outweighed my excitement at finding cinamon granola bars in their own package.

We haven't gotten our photographer's pictures back yet, but we did have a couple friends take some photos if you want a peek.

After careful planning and execution of our best day ever, Emily and I came up with a little advise for those of your out there planning our own gay wedding. As you may notice, a lot of this may apply to straight weddings too...

How to make a gay wedding:

Wedding day preparation advice:
1) Feed your peeps (or "bridal party" in traditional terms) before they help decorate. This will increase their physical strength as well as mental acuity for tasks such as hanging paper lanterns on 10-12 foot high cross beams.

2) If you get your hair done, make sure you do it in the morning and not right before the wedding. You don't want to borrow your soon to be father-in-law's car (because yours has two large kegs to get to the reception site during your scheduled hair appointment) and then park it in front of a fire hydrant because there is nowhere else to park and you're already 15 minutes late to your appointment. Sorry I'm you mind if we sit in the chair that faces that fire hydrant out front while you do my hair? Oh yea and my hair is crazy thick and I only have 30 minutes for you to make me pretty.

3) Do not attempt to completely wash a new dress for your sister less than 2 hours before the wedding in case it won't dry on time. If you must wash the dress, spot clean any mud that may have occurred due to transport issues from the car to the house.

4) If you are the officiant and you haven't changed into your suit, make sure it stays with you until transport to the site.

5) There is a reason for rehearsal dinners besides the food, but if you don't have one the time right before the wedding starts will work too.

6) Make sure you have a friend good with hair and make-up help you get ready.

7) Taking pictures in the sand looks super cool, but = sand in your shoes so you might want to take those off...

Advice for the cocktail hour

1) Having a cocktail hour before the wedding ceremony = awesome squared!

2) Drinking wine before the ceremony helps with the nerves

3) Drinking wine before the ceremony may cause inadvertent admissions of tipsiness to co-workers, supervisors, and/or new in laws that aren't accustom to drinking with you and your friends

The ceremony

1) Practice vows the night before to avoid crying or laughing during your partner's turn. It seriously works; that and after I told Emily my vows rhymed she needed to approve them first. I don't know why, I always write things in good taste.

2) Think long and hard about the promises you make in your vows because you'll have to live by them the REST of your LIFE. I really wrestled with the promises of shoes and expensive yarn in my vows, but I figure we're pretty even because she promised not call me Kare-bear in front of my athlete friends. And in my opinion, one "Kare-bear" in front of my friends = 1 less pair of shoes or yarn.

1) Stop talking and eat

2) Practice dancing in your new shoes before buying them. This may be a bit embarrassing and you might get weird stares as your partner quickly hides behind a rack of gray warm wool sweaters. If you can't dance in 6 inch heels, don't buy them no matter how sexy they look.

3) Use forks for the traditional "first bite" of cake (or cupcake in our case). Your partner can't safely jam a fork with cake up your nose so they won't try it. No matter how sweet and innocent your new bride may look, they still might have the thirst for a cake smashing (even after being advised by her father against it). You wouldn't believe how bad snickerdoodle frosting tastes up your nose...

4) When a large number of your prankster friends all disappear at the same time, be suspicious they are up to no good with your car.